


Sweet Poison

by Apocalypse_the_Abysswalker



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Blood, Canon-Typical Violence, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, Explicit Sexual Content, First Time, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Illukillu, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Masochism, Might be Stockholm Syndrome might be love, Painful Sex, Sibling Incest, Torture, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:15:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27406393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Apocalypse_the_Abysswalker/pseuds/Apocalypse_the_Abysswalker
Summary: Killua runs away from home and Illumi will do everything he can to stop him from doing it again. They get a bit closer than they should in the process.
Relationships: Hisoka/Illumi Zoldyck (Just briefly mentioned), Illumi Zoldyck/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 15
Kudos: 97





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> In case you ignored the tags read them now please, this content may be disturbing for some readers, the two characters are brothers, doing things brothers shouldn't do, and one of them is underage. I’m not mentioning the exact character ages so the readers can decide how young Killua is in this story. 
> 
> Now if none of the warnings made you leave, enjoy reading! If you are here for the feels, read the whole thing. If you just want the smut, most of it is in chapter 2.

Illumi is ice, perfectly sculpted, and eternally cold. Broken from the beginning. No emotions, no heart. He is a weapon, strong and perfect.

He was supposed to train Killua to be just like him – obedient, deadly, a perfect little killing machine.

He succeeded only partially.

Killua is fire, unrelenting, unyielding, no matter what torture they make him endure.

Strong and deadly, but no amount of torture and suffering could truly break him and make him obey.

He could endure so much that it was scary. Taking it all without resisting, but never truly submitting.

If Illumi was capable of feeling jealousy, he would have been jealous. Because he submitted way too easily, broke too fast.

None of that mattered anymore.

Killua ran away. It was a shock for the whole family.

Illumi was told to bring him home, and he did. He supposed that the boy will hate him for it, but he never questioned the family’s choices.

The family members took turns in torturing the disobedient little assassin.

He remained calm through the whole process, his eyes almost playful, almost as if he wanted to say: _Is this all you got? Is this supposed to hurt me?_

Illumi was the last to torture him, and the most frightening.

Killua stopped smiling when he saw his older brother approach him.

He could feel his menacing, terrifying aura before he even heard the footsteps. Part of him was frightened, part excited.

After all, it was supposed to be a punishment – and the laughable attempts of the other family members who tried to hurt him felt almost like gentle touches to him – after all the harsh training he endured, extremely brutal measures were necessary to make him feel the slightest pain.

Illumi was expressionless, as he always was. The bottomless darkness of his eyes held the promise of pain and suffering and some parts of Killua were drawn to it like a moth to a flame, parts of him that he didn’t understand.

No words were necessary. Illumi spoke with his actions.

Sharp needles were embedded in Killua’s flesh in mere seconds.

These needles were enough to kill a regular human, but Killua was far from normal, so he endured it without even a flinch, without changing his hateful expression, and the fire burning in his eyes seemed to burn even brighter.

Illumi felt nothing. But sometimes, at the rarest moments of weakness that he couldn’t let anyone see, he wondered if Killua’s flame would be enough to melt the ice that he’s imprisoned in.

Killua is still in chains, but Illumi knows better than to assume that he’s helpless.

„Get rid of those,” he says with his empty voice, pointing at those chains. He’s sure that Killua is more than strong enough to break them.

Killua does exactly that, with seemingly no effort, and laughs coldly.

„I might as well stay chained, with you here. I know I have no way to escape.” There was a sharp edge to his voice, but not a hint of fear. Illumi was proud of him. Such a little boy, and so fearless in a face of danger.

There was blood seeping out of Killua’s skin around the needles, but he didn’t seem to be concerned about it, not even the slightest bit.

They stared into each other’s eyes for a few seconds.

Illumi saw hope in Killua’s eyes, and it hurt some hidden part of him, buried under the layers of darkness. He never felt anything like hope. Never even considered wanting to live a normal life.

Was it strength or weakness, to abandon all feelings and desires to walk the dark and lonely path of an assassin?

Was he weak for letting himself be broken over and over, again and again until there was nothing left except a perfect weapon without anything human left in him?

Or was he strong? After all that he endured, he became unbreakable, unbending. Nothing in this world could hurt him. His powers were incredible. All his missions were carried out without even the slightest mistake.

But there was one thing he was supposed to do and kept failing at, which was training Killua to be just like him.

He trained him well enough to make him insanely strong at an incredibly young age.

But the fire in his eyes never dimmed, never died out.

No matter how beaten and broken his body was, his spirit remained the same.

The fire seemed to be eternal. The little flickering flame of disobedience and hope. Sometimes bright, sometimes barely there, but never dying out.

Illumi is going to make sure that Killua will never have the chance to run away.

But he’s a bit unsure how to proceed.

He can lock him into a dungeon and torture him for years, only to witness another escape attempt the second he unlocks his cell. That, he’s quite sure of.

He needs to find another way to keep his little flame close, for he doesn’t know how to bear the coldness without him.

Killua is locked in a cold, dark cell. He gets one cold, disgusting, but nutritious meal almost every day.

Sometimes, he’s left for days without food.

Other times, he’s beaten until he loses consciousness, drowned in a bucket of cold water, burned by a lighter.

Anyone else would have probably gone insane, but he’s been trained to endure torture for his whole life.

He takes it all, without fighting back, without begging Illumi to stop.

It makes his older brother proud, but it also makes it more difficult.

Killua doesn’t beg him to stop even when his bones are broken. But at least a few broken ribs and a broken arm wiped that composed expression from his face.

Illumi finally seems to be getting to him, and it finally starts to look like a punishment that will be enough for him.

But Killua still doesn’t have the face of someone who regrets his actions.

Illumi is curious if there even is anything that he could do to Killua to make him beg him to stop and to fight back. Maybe there’s no such thing anymore.

Many days later Illumi is still impressed. Killua takes all the beating and torture so well, and he doesn’t even ask how long it will take, how long will he be locked down in this cold dungeon.

Illumi wonders which one of them is more fucked up.

The little boy that takes brutal torture like it’s nothing, without being affected by it even the slightest, without losing that defiant look in his eyes.

Or the adult that let go of all of those feelings way too easily, and let himself be forged into a weapon of destruction, without even considering what it means to lose his humanity. He never even considered the possibility of defiance.

Yet his little brother resists so beautifully, without caring for the consequences.

It’s fascinating.

He lets anything be done to his body, but it never seems to affect his soul.

While undergoing all the torture, he wonders if there’s anything new that they could do to him that they haven’t already done.

Although he would never admit it, Killua is happy that Illumi is the one that looks after him in the dungeon.

He hurts Killua so much that he can lose himself in the pain and forget about the thoughts that plague him.

Sometimes, in his darkest moments, he feels so sad and lonely that he envies his brother. Illumi is perfect in every way. He is a weapon in both body and mind, and he isn’t plagued by the thoughts that flood Killua’s mind.

_I want to be normal. I want to have friends. I want to care for someone. I want someone to care for me. Why do I feel this way? I don’t have the right to have a life like that. I am supposed to be a cold, emotionless assassin like Illumi. I don’t want to feel this. I don’t want to feel anything._

„Make it stop.” It was a barely audible whisper, but Killua realizes with horror that he said the last sentence aloud and that Illumi heard it.

„What did you say?” Illumi asks despite hearing every word.

Killua sighs. It probably looks like he was asking for the torture to stop, but it was quite the opposite.

Not like it mattered. Illumi never stopped in the past until he wanted to, even when Killua cried and begged. It was all part of the training. So it doesn’t matter if he asks for more or asks for it to end, the result will be the same.

Illumi is confused. He tortured Killua for so many years that he knows exactly when his little brother is at his limit. Which is clearly not now. So, he doesn’t understand why would he tell him to stop.

Not like it really mattered.

Illumi buries more needles into Killua’s skin, piercing his flesh down to the bone.

He throws the boy a few meters across the room, making him collide with a wall. More bones break, and the impact sinks some of the needles deeper.

Killua is struggling to catch a breath, his eyes are getting glassy and empty, however still burning with the slightest hint of defiance.

He makes no move to get up.

He’s lifted by his soft white hair, now covered in blood and dust.

His vision gets hazy as Illumi crashes him against the wall again and again. He sees stars. Black spots. And finally, sweet darkness envelops him.

When he wakes up, his wounds have been treated. He's still in a dungeon leaning against a wall.

Illumi is there, watching him.

Shivers run down Killua’s spine at the thought of Illumi sitting there, motionless, and watching him for hours and hours until he woke up.

It’s creepy. Definitely. So why is there the slightest hint of comfort in his confused feelings?

Killua has no chance to recover and is thrown across the room again.

Illumi is, again, as expressionless as ever – it’s very clear that he isn’t enjoying it. It’s just his job, to beat Killua into submission and to stop him from ever considering running away again.

In a way, it angers Killua. If he’s going to be treated like shit and beaten until unconscious, the person doing it might at least enjoy it. Maybe it would feel better then.

But of course, the whole point of this is to punish him, so it makes sense that it’s as cold and humiliating as it can get.

Killua coughs up some blood and remains motionless on the ground. Illumi walks closer, observing the damage. It’s a miracle that the boy is still breathing and conscious.

„Don’t you want this to stop?” Illumi asks.

Killua freezes. It takes him way too long to answer: „Obviously.”

His mind is chaos. He _should_ want it to stop. It’s torture. It’s not something anyone can just enjoy. He must want it to stop.

But the pain so sweetly numbs all of his confused thoughts and feelings.

„Okay,” says Illumi and just walks away.

Killua can’t believe it happened. He’s left alone in his cell.

Surely Illumi couldn’t have figured out that he didn’t want it to stop?

Illumi walked away simply because he knew the torture wasn’t doing what it was supposed to. He could see Killua’s eyes, and there was something twisted in them. Something unnatural.

He didn’t dare to assume that the little boy could enjoy the pain and suffering, but it was clear that no matter what he did to him, it did not make him any less likely to run away.

He has to find another way. Beating the boy over and over again was pointless. He could sense the same dangerous, defiant glare in those blue eyes following him as he walked away.

It was cold and dark and lonely. Killua was lost in his memories, trying to ignore the fact that he’s locked in a dungeon with the possibility of spending days and days there until someone brought him food.

He remembered feelings of hope and warmth when he was with his friends that he met during his time away from home.

With every hour they seemed more and more dim and distant.

It took three days until Illumi visited him again. During those days, Killua began to question his sanity. Maybe he never left. Maybe those friends were just a fantasy made by his insane mind.

Illumi brought him food and water and immediately left.

It was more effective than any other previous torture.

He was back in another three days, with more food and water, turning to leave again.

„Stay,” said Killua in the quietest voice, almost a whimper.

„Why should I?” asked Illumi.

There was no response and Illumi begun walking away.

Killua had no idea what to say. Tell Illumi that the loneliness and isolation were so much worse than the physical torture? If he admitted it, Illumi would probably leave him there alone for months. He felt like crying, which he hasn’t done in years.

Holding back tears, seeing Illumi’s figure going through the door and disappearing in the darkness, he whispered: „I won’t run away again.”

Illumi walked back and put fingers under Killua’s chin, lifting his head a bit and staring into his eyes for what seemed like minutes. He was so close that their noses were almost touching.

„I don’t believe you,” he said and walked away.

Killua’s eyes were the same. Defiant, hateful. He wasn’t broken. It was obvious that he would run away the second he had the chance.

„I’ll make you believe.” Killua had to shout this because Illumi has already walked quite far. With his sharp senses, he had no trouble catching those words in the distance.

He paused. Walked back.

„And how exactly are you going to do that?” he asked skeptically.

_Oh shit,_ thought Killua. He didn’t think it through at all.

„You can watch me every minute every day to make sure I’m not planning to run away, just, just….” _Just don’t leave me all alone like this,_ he wanted to add, but just couldn’t. His voice was getting a pleading edge that he did not like. He didn’t want Illumi to know just how desperate he is.

„Okay,” said Illumi plainly. Like it was not important. Like it did not even matter.

Turns out that being watched every minute every day is not much more comfortable than being locked in a dungeon alone.

For some reason, Killua has to sleep not only in the same room but also in the same bed as Illumi.

_There’s nothing strange with that_ , Illumi assures him, _it’s just a precaution_.

It’s a big bed and they each stay on one side, leaving plenty of space between them.

Killua can’t sleep at night, and he’s thinking about his friends, thinking that they probably forgot him by now.

He has no right to have friends. Despite that, he’s still feeling hope, even though he wants to give up.

Illumi is watching him, and he knows exactly what Killua is thinking about.

„If you ran, you’ll have nowhere to go,” he whispers to him.

And Killua knew this already but hearing it still hurts him. He wanted just a little bit of warmth in his life. To be like other boys at his age, lively and careless.

It’s not meant for him, but he wants it anyway.

„If you let anyone get close to you, they would die in the end. The path you must walk is lonely, but it’s the only way,” says Illumi. It’s very unlike him to speak like this. Killua wonders what has gotten into him.

Killua sighs. „It’s not fair.”

„Nothing in this world is fair,” says Illumi and moves a bit closer.

A few seconds later, he’s embracing Killua, hugging him tightly. Killua freezes for a few moments because he never felt so warm and close to someone. He expects a betrayal, needles in his body, pain as a punishment for letting himself be vulnerable. But no such thing happens.

Gradually, Killua relaxes and wraps his arms around Illumi, and finally drifts to sleep.

Illumi wonders why he permitted such a thing to happen. It’s clearly a sign of weakness, but he can’t stop himself from holding the boy as close as possible.

For the first time in his life, he feels warmth in his chest. He wonders what it means.

He drifts to sleep too.

Illumi is the first to wake up. Killua is still sleeping in his arms, so peaceful and vulnerable.

For a second Illumi almost feels sorry for the boy and for all the hardship he has to go through. When sleeping, he looks so fragile, definitely not like a cold-blooded killer.

Then he composes himself. He won’t allow himself to feel anything like pity.

He wonders why it feels so good to be embracing someone like that. Both of them never had the chance to experience any kind of closeness or intimacy with anyone. They had no idea how much comfort they can find in each other’s arms.

Illumi kisses Killua’s hair on top of his head, so softly that a normal person wouldn’t even feel it. But because of his sharp senses, it’s enough to wake Killua up. He stirs, then freezes, trying to figure out what’s happening. For a few moment’s he’s confused, thinking about why he’s not in a dungeon. Then he remembers.

There’s so much warmth enveloping him. It makes him feel safe.

„ _Illu-nii_ ,” he whispers sleepily. It sounds so soft and innocent. He leans closer, pressing his face into Illumi’s chest. 

The older brother knows very well that he should push him away, but he just can’t.

It’s ruining all the years of training the boy to be a cold, emotionless assassin. But he can’t make himself deny the boy such a simple innocent comfort.

Days go by. The family makes sure that Killua will have no chance to run away. Illumi is with him all the time. And Killua slowly gets used to it until it stops bothering him.

Because after months go by, he’s quite sure that he will probably be watched like that until he dies or until they will think that he’s not thinking about running away anymore. The former is more likely.

The brutal training continues. Today it’s electricity.

Enough electricity to kill a grown man runs through Killua, and he doesn’t even flinch. Illumi increases the voltage and runs it through Killua again and again, more and more.

It’s liberating. Killua loves every second of it because it makes his chaotic thoughts stop.

His eyes get a bit empty and glassy, like every time he’s tortured. Illumi is not sure if he loves or hates that look in his eyes.

Hours later, Illumi undoes his binds.

„What, are we done already?” Killua asks.

Illumi is a bit shocked. He’s sure that he went pretty close to the limit, and if he did more, Killua might have died. Yet, he’s… he’s… _Asking for more?_

„Do you have a death wish?” Illumi asks.

Killua scoffs as if it did not deserve an answer. Aware of his own strength, he doubted any of the torture devices in their dungeon were even capable of killing him.

„I can take more; I want to get stronger. You don’t even have to bind my hands,” he says, trying to persuade Illumi.

Warning lights flash in Illumi’s mind. There is definitely something wrong with Killua.

He shrugs anyway and gives him one last dose of electricity, stronger than the previous ones.

As expected, Killua blacks out, but other than being unconscious, he seems fine. Illumi is amazed by how much power is hiding in that small, lithe body. He carries him to their room, their bed.

He stopped calling the room his own after having Killua there all the time. It’s _their_ room now.

After checking Killua’s body for damage and finding none, he lays next to him and hugs him. He can’t resist it, it’s just so comforting. He holds him until he wakes up. Big blue eyes open and stare at him, a little hazy and confused.

„You passed out,” Illumi explains.

„Then I’m still not strong enough,” Killua states. He leans closer to Illumi, pressing his face on his brother’s neck. „Don’t let go,” he whispers. And Illumi doesn’t.

„I feel so good,” Killua murmurs, probably half-asleep already.

It’s the first time that Illumi feels that there may be something wrong with the closeness they share. He realizes that he badly wants to kiss Killua, and he realizes that under any circumstances he must not do that.

The fragile bond they have is innocent and he must never dirty it with something so indecent.

Illumi leaves for some time to do killing missions, leaving Killua with the other family members. He needs to get away, hoping it will make the twisted thoughts he has about the boy stop.

It doesn’t help, and he finds himself in a hotel room after the latest kill.

Covered in the blood of his latest victim, he unzips his pants and touches himself the moment he closes the door behind him.

Sliding down to sit on the floor, stroking his hard erection and moaning Killua’s name as he reaches orgasm.

He hates himself for it later. Under a hot shower, he curses and hits the wall with his fist. Just what exactly happened to him? He was always so composed and cold, perfect, in control of every aspect of himself.

But all of that control falls apart because of his little brother.

He’s disgusted by himself, to the point of feeling physically sickened.

Eventually, he takes a job after a job without returning to the family mansion. He wants to drown himself in the blood and screams of his victims. He loses himself in the endless killing, and it helps a bit.

But by the time he’s back in another hotel room, he’s thinking about Killua again, choking on soft moans, palming his hard erection with the image of his brother in his mind. Oh, the things he would do to him if he had the chance.

He comes hard, moaning Killua’s name like before.

_This has to stop_ , he thinks when he comes down from his orgasmic haze.

_This was the last time I thought about him like that,_ he tells himself.

It takes months before he comes back home, but he eventually does. He can’t run away forever. His self-control is going to be tested, but he’s confident he will keep his distance from his brother.

When he sees him, he feels like someone stabbed a knife into his heart.

Killua runs to him to greet him, smiling so sweetly. He’s so beautiful. It makes Illumi feel something he never felt before, something he can’t name.

„What took you so long? I thought you were never coming back home!” Killua asks playfully. It’s one of the moments when Killua acts as young as he is.

Illumi is speechless. He’s glad that he has so much control over himself that none of his thoughts will be written on his face.

He expected Killua to hate him after all, knowing that he ruined his attempt to run away from home. Not to be happy to see him. But it seems like the long time that passed made Killua forgive him.

„I had work to do,” he says neutrally.

„Finally, the training will be fun again! These idiots call it torture training but they can’t even hurt me,” Killua laughs and Illumi wonders how can someone say these words with a careless smile on his face.

They try to pretend that there isn’t anything more between them than violence and torture.

It may seem that way during the days.

But at night when they cuddle and sleep in each other’s arms, they both wonder if there is something wrong with them.

Illumi is older and he knows very well that despite the innocence of their touches, they are far from okay.

Killua is young, but not too young to understand that there is something wrong with the way his body responds to Illumi’s touches.

Both of them boldly ignore the fact that they want something more, and they settle with what they have for now.

They feel so close, yet so far.

Illumi looks as empty and emotionless as always, but Killua knows better.

Illumi’s blank face shows the smallest, barest hint of immeasurable pain he’s hiding inside. Nobody else could notice it, but Killua knows, he reads Illumi like a book after all the time they spent together.

„Let me go on a mission with you,” Killua says on a whim without thinking it through.

They’re training at the moment, standing a few meters apart. Illumi is glad that the question wasn’t asked when they were closer. Because then Killua could feel his pulse going up and hear his breath catching in his throat.

He is capable of killing hundreds of people in a few minutes without breaking a sweat and without his heartbeat going up. He was trained to control himself at all times.

All the control crumbles to dust when he imagines having Killua all for himself, away from the prying eyes of the family members.

Illumi takes more time than necessary to answer. He needed a couple of seconds to steady his voice.

„No,” he answers and resumes their training. It’s combat training time, offering them a refreshing change from the endless hours in the cold dark dungeon.

They’re fighting outside because they’re so powerful that fighting in a closed space would end up with everything around destroyed.

They call it combat training, but it’s pretty one-sided. Killua is once again amazed by how immensely powerful is Illumi. He’s no match for him. Not even landing a single hit while Illumi is clearly still holding back, because if he didn’t, he’d kill Killua in mere seconds.

Illumi’s face is blank when he effortlessly dodges every hit Killua tries to land, his breathing is even again, his heartbeat slow.

Killua wonders how is it even possible, and he finds it partly fascinating, partly scary. Something about Illumi is disturbingly inhuman, and Killua wonders if he will be the same one day.

He doesn’t know that Illumi would never let that happen. No matter how harshly Illumi trains him, it’s still nothing compared to the way he was trained. He’s very careful to always stop at Killua’s limits, never going beyond.

If those big blue eyes were empty and broken and dead, Illumi’s last remains of humanity would die with them.

„Why not?” asks Killua after a few minutes. Illumi almost forgot what they were talking about.

„Am I not strong enough?” the boy adds.

There’s so much power in his small, lean body, without a doubt enough to send him on one of the easier missions alone.

But how could he tell Killua the truth? That he’s afraid that he won’t be able to keep his hands to himself if he was alone with him somewhere far away from the family?

So Illumi says: „You’re still weak.”

Killua makes a hurt expression, and Illumi almost regrets saying those words.

„Then stop holding back. Hit me harder. I can take it. I can prove you that I’m strong enough,” Killua says while trembling with who knows what emotions. Rage? Anger? Sadness? He has no idea what he’s feeling.

Illumi states calmly: „It’s not your body that’s weak. It’s your mind. Your lack of self-restraint will get you killed out there.”

Killua laughs and it’s the most disturbing sound that Illumi has ever heard him make. It’s so cold and menacing.

„Self-control, huh? And where’s yours when you hold me close and kiss my hair? Is that a part of my training? Or is it just a game for you? You wonder why the fuck I lack restraint when you set such a great example by comforting me in a way that’s certainly unfitting for us who are supposed to be cold-blooded killers?” Killua absolutely lost it and is screaming at Illumi, not giving a fuck about who might hear him.

Illumi is… unsure what he’s feeling, unsure what to do, what to say. Once again it is Killua who makes him forget all of his lifelong training, and makes his head spin with unknown emotions, losing composure.

He realizes that he doesn’t need to say anything – his face speaks for him. The deep pain and sadness surfaces, and reflects in his dark, bottomless eyes.

„Kil,” he whispers and there’s so much pain in his voice that Killua runs the short distance between them and hugs him.

„Illu,” Killua whispers as he buries his face in his chest, warm and comforting. He’s so close to crying but manages to hold the tears back.

„Don’t hold back anymore,” Killua whispers, and Illumi hopes he understood the meaning behind those words correctly. _He’s not the only one who wants more._

He puts one finger under Killua’s chin, lifting his head to look into those pretty blue eyes. There’s hunger in them. They’re not burning with rage as usual, and neither they are childishly playful like other times. They’re hazy with lust.

It’s too much for Illumi. He runs his thumb over Killua’s bottom lip, feeling the softness, wishing it was his tongue exploring it.

His eyes grow darker with hunger and need, and he feels that he’s getting slightly hard in his pants, despite that literally nothing happened yet. He’s supposed to have control even over this part of his body.

He is painfully aware that he’s just gotten hard because of his younger brother. He hopes Killua doesn’t feel it pressing against him, but he probably does, they’re practically pressed against each other.

Illumi is disgusted by himself. He wants Killua so badly that it physically hurts.

He realizes that they’re standing at a threshold that he doesn’t want to cross.

Illumi moves closer, his lips almost touching Killua’s.

And then he forces himself to calm down, and with the last remains of his self-control, he manages to say breathlessly: „We… We can’t, we just…”

Killua is staring at him with such hunger that he can’t take it any longer. A second more and he would bend him over and fuck him right there in the middle of their family garden.

Illumi runs away and locks himself in his room.


	2. Chapter 2

Killua is left alone in the garden. He sits down, leaning against a tree, eyes wet with unshed tears.

 _Illumi doesn’t want me,_ he thinks. _I’m disgusting for wanting something like that. I’m so messed up. That’s my brother that I want to touch so badly. My. Fucking. Brother._

In his room, Illumi curses himself for wanting to ruin and taint Killua’s little body.

And then he unzips his pants.

„I fucking _hate_ myself,” he whispers while stroking himself back to full hardness.

 _It’s not my fault that I have nothing else to imagine when I’ve pretty much spent my life without having a chance to get close to anyone at all,_ he tells himself, yet he still feels like it’s entirely his fault that he feels how he feels.

He never should have gotten close to Killua. Training him was all that was expected of him. But no, he just had to fuck up and now he somehow can’t stop thinking about that pale, slim body.

Kil undressed in front of him countless times, and he was looking at his body with absolute disinterest at first. Just how exactly it morphed to staring hungrily and wanting to touch?

He’s stroking himself fast and hard, almost painfully, as if wanting to punish himself for his thoughts.

Closing his eyes in absolute bliss, he imagines Killua’s slim thighs straddling his lap, those beautiful blue eyes hazy with pleasure, slowly riding his cock, overwhelmed by his impressive size, moaning, panting.

Illumi is already close.

He can’t stop moaning softly, but he muffles it by pressing his face into the pillow.

„Killu, _Killua_ ,” he moans and comes all over his t-shirt and pants which he didn’t bother removing.

He has no idea that Killua is in front of his door, ear pressed against it to listen to all those sweet sounds that escape him. Killua blushes, his face completely red, as he figures out what he just heard.

Suddenly, his own pants feel a bit too tight. His hand moves to his crotch, but he suddenly realizes that he is still standing in the hallway.

Having nowhere else to go, he walks to his old room, but Illumi, recovered from his post-orgasmic haze, hears his footsteps and is mortified.

He can tell it was Killua, he can recognize all of the family member’s footsteps even though they are practically inaudible.

And he is quite sure that Killua heard him because the young assassin is trained to have especially sharp senses.

He panics, changes into clean clothes, and runs to Killua, wanting to explain himself, to say that it was a misunderstanding as if moaning his brother’s name while masturbating could be interpreted in any normal way.

He freezes in the door which he opened without knocking. It was a mistake. His eyes widen as he takes in the sight in front of him.

Killua is sprawled on his bed. His pants down at his knees. His hands covering an obvious erection. Eyes absolutely terrified.

„I... Illu,” he _moans_ and it’s all it takes to make Illumi lock the door behind him.

„Am I disgusting?” asks Killua, his voice so small and scared that it breaks Illumi’s heart.

„You’re beautiful Kil, you’re perfect,” Illumi says. „Why would you think that you are disgusting?”

„I… I want you… to… to touch me,” Killua manages to say. „But it’s… wrong, I know, and you will hate me for it, right?”

Illumi is sitting next to him on the bed in seconds.

„Killu, I want to touch you, I want it so badly that it hurts,” he admits.

„But I can’t, you’re my little brother, I can’t do this to you, you deserve someone better, something more,” he explains to Killua.

„I don’t want anything else than this. I want you. I need you. _Pleeease_ , Illu,” he whispers needily, his eyes so full of lust that Illumi believes him.

„There’s nothing else for us out there. We only have each other,” says Killua, and there is so much pain in his voice. It’s clear that when he ran away, he was searching for something more, a connection, but he only came to realize that he can’t find anything like that with normal people. He’s too fucked up for that, his body and mind warped in ways that make him incompatible with anyone who isn’t twisted in the same way.

And there is only one person in the world who can understand him and complete him and fill his emptiness.

And it just happens to be his older brother.

„Illumi, I want you to claim me, I want to be yours,” he whispers and Illumi realizes that he’s hopelessly in love and he can’t resist any longer.

It’s a dangerous threshold to cross, and it would make them hated and shamed by anyone who would find out.

They realize that they don’t care about anything in the world as long as they have each other.

Illumi moves closer and forces Killua’s hands away from his own lap. He resists briefly, but only because of embarrassment. Never having a chance to do anything sexual with anyone, he’s almost scared, but he’s sure that he wants it.

His cheeks turn red and he’s absolutely adorable. Looking so innocent that Illumi feels bad for wanting to fuck him but it also drives him crazy, the image of that perfect pale body marked by his teeth flooding his mind.

„Killu, are you afraid?” he asks.

„I… I’ve never…” Killua admits shyly.

„Shh, it’s fine,” Illumi whispers and leans in to finally kiss him.

It’s soft and restrained, no teeth, just a gentle press of lips against lips. It still does _things_ to both of them, driving them crazy with the desire to have more.

Killua moans against his brother’s lips, and they deepen the kiss, intertwining their tongues.

Illumi presses his body against Killua’s, feeling the press of his hardness against his abs. He moves one of his hands to touch it, and the sound Killua makes when his cock is grabbed is just delicious.

They’re still kissing while Illumi moves his hand up and down with slow, deliberate strokes. Killua melts under his touches, heart hammering in his chest, breaths shallow, needy little moans escaping his lips. Illumi drinks those sounds from his lips and decides that he won’t ever allow anyone to see his precious little brother like this.

„Do you like it?” asks Illumi despite that it’s obvious that Killua loves it.

„Mmm,” moans Killua, unable to form words or even coherent thoughts. „More,” he says breathlessly in a moment of clarity before losing himself in the pleasure once more, unable to speak and think.

Illumi is more than willing to give him more and moves his mouth down. He teasingly licks Killua’s thighs and abs, ignoring his hard, throbbing length.

„Illu…” Killua growls in frustration. „Just, just…”

Illumi loves teasing him. „Hmm? What do you want? Tell me, and I will do it,” he says.

Killua blushes even more, and tries to speak, „Umm, use your… m… mouth, please,” he says with a shaking voice.

Illumi feels like he’s losing control of his own body, that’s what those dirty words do to him.

„Be more specific Killu,” he teases him further.

„I need it, please, please just…” He’s almost crying, shaking with need.

Illumi decided to be merciful, and finally put his mouth where it belonged, on Killua’s cock.

After giving it some wet licks, he takes it in inch by inch until it’s almost completely buried in the wet heat of his mouth.

Killua moans and bucks his hips up to go deeper, overwhelmed by the sensation, lost in the pleasure.

His blue eyes are hazy, his mouth slightly open, softest moans of pure bliss escaping his trembling lips.

Illumi does his best to please him, trying to recall what he did during his rare encounters with Hisoka. But those can’t be compared to this. That was purely physical, while this is anything but.

He moves his mouth, sucking around the hardness, lapping up the precome that dribbles from the tip.

Killua weaves his fingers through Illumi’s long black hair, tugging down painfully, turning the sensual blowjob into a face fuck.

Illumi makes a small sound of protest but doesn’t try to stop Killua from treating him so harshly. He’s choking a bit, but he doesn’t mind as long as Killua is happy and satisfied.

The boy is a breathtaking sight, reduced to a moaning mess, eyes rolling back.

It’s clear that he won’t last long, judging by the desperate way he jerks his hips up.

He doesn’t warn Illumi before he comes down his throat. Illumi would have to teach him to be more considerate, but there’s plenty of time for that later. He swallows it all, and licks and sucks Killua’s dick clean.

Illumi then moves to kiss his neck, holding him close as he comes down from his high. He’s tempted to kiss his mouth but decides against it because he doesn’t want to disgust his brother by the taste of come still lingering in his mouth.

It takes a few minutes before Killua is able to speak.

„Illu,” he whispers. „Thanks,” he says after some consideration, unsure what people normally say after something like this.

„Warn me before you come next time,” Illumi says playfully, and the promise of a next time is almost enough to make Killua hard again.

Illumi is still hard and untouched, but he doesn’t mind. Killua in his inexperience is probably too worn out to return the favor right now.

He settles with cuddling during which Killua falls asleep, so adorable in his arms. He still looks so innocent that it’s hard to believe what happened.

The next morning, Illumi wakes up to Killua kissing him sweetly. Illumi is laying on his back, and Killua is straddling him, letting his erection press against his ass. The shamelessness of the gesture makes Illumi blush a bit.

„ _Kil_ ,” he moans into the kiss, „what are you doing?“

It’s a stupid question and he realizes that right after he says it.

_As if it wasn’t obvious._

„Illu, I want you inside me,” Killua moans against his lips.

Illumi panics, a blowjob is one thing, but this would definitely be going way too far.

„We… we can’t, Kil, that’s too much,” he manages to say despite his body speaking otherwise. He can feel how achingly hard he is.

„But you want it,” says Killua. It’s not a question. He’s more knowing than he should be.

„I… yes, but that’s not important, I don’t think you’re ready for something like that, I mean, I-…” Illumi is lost for words.

Killua leans down to kiss his ear, and whispers directly into it: „I’m ready.“

He boldly moves his hands down.

Illumi knows very well that he should probably try to stop it, but he can’t make himself, losing all of his self-restraint when those slender fingers wrap around his hard length.

„ _Fuck_ , I want to fuck you,” he moans when Killua’s fingers tighten and stroke his cock. He’s inexperienced so the actual sensation isn’t that great, but just knowing that it’s him is making Illumi lose himself.

A few moments later Killua lets go, and positions himself awkwardly, trying to get the right angle to press Illumi’s cock inside him.

Illumi stops him. „We have to use fingers first, or you will hurt yourself,” he explains.

Flipping their positions, he lays Killua down on his back and spreads his thighs, moving between them.

Those pale, thin thighs feel wonderful around his hips.

Kil is watching him, wide-eyed and entranced, as Illumi licks one of his fingers and presses it against his hole.

„Did you ever used your fingers here?” he asks.

Killua shakes his head, looking embarrassed by his inexperience.

Illumi nods and recalls his own sexual adventures. They’re rather scarce, mostly happening at hotel rooms with Hisoka when he accompanied him to missions. Illumi didn’t want or need a company, but it was always beneficial to get some experience.

Luckily, he has some lube in his bedtime table, which would make the process much more pleasant than using just spit.

Killua is looking nervous, which is understandable. He’s so cute, with his cheeks blushing pink.

„Are you sure about this?” Illumi asks.

Kil nods, closing his eyes and waiting.

Illumi pours much more than enough lube on his finger and gently presses it inside Killua.

He takes Killua’s cock in his other hand, remembering that it might help to make the preparation more enjoyable.

He matches the tempo of his slow strokes with pushing the finger in and out.

Kil’s face shows some discomfort, but he doesn’t voice it.

Illumi adds a second finger, and begins to scissor them, to spread Killua’s tight walls enough to accommodate his aching erection.

Killua half moans, half screams, his eyes opening wide.

„Does it hurt?” asks Illumi, pausing his movements.

„Y… yeah but it hurt just _right_ , more Illu, _more_ ,“ he manages to say with a strangled voice.

Illumi adds a third finger inside, and tears are streaming down Killua’s cheeks. He knows that he should probably take that as a sign to stop right here and now, but instead, he presses deeper.

Killua is shaking, making sounds he didn’t know he was capable of.

He’s somewhere between moaning and sobbing, and it would be disturbing if it wasn’t absolutely hot.

Illumi can’t wait any longer and he presses the tip of his cock against Kil’s loosened hole.

‚Killu, I’m going to put it in now,” he informs him and presses in gently.

It’s just the tip, but Killua feels like he’s getting split apart by the size.

„It’s too big,” he moans, „but I want it inside me.“

Illumi forces his way deeper, feeling Kil clench around him.

„Relax, or it will hurt,” he explains.

„I love how it hurts,” Killua whispers and hides his face in a pillow, unable to look at Illumi after admitting something so shameful.

„Kil, it’s okay,” Illumi says and removes the pillow. „I can be whatever you want me to be. I can hurt you if it makes you feel good,” he whispers gently and leans down to kiss Killua, his hard cock already buried fully in his brother’s body.

He moves his hips slightly, testing how Kil will react to the hard cock moving inside him. He’s still too tight, so it must hurt a bit.

„Nnngh,” Kil makes a hoarse sound. It’s not clear if it’s a sound of pain or pleasure or both.

Fresh tears stream down his cheeks and Illumi kisses them away.

„More,” Killua moans. His small body is trembling and he’s a mess, so lost in all the sensations that he can’t think about anything else than the hardness penetrating him.

Illumi wants to give him more, to give him everything that he has. He grabs Killua’s thighs roughly, without a doubt creating bruises. The boy still just _moans_ through it, ready for anything, the mix of pain and pleasure making him delirious.

Moving one hand to scratch at Killua’s chest, giving the boy the pain he so desperately craves.

Illumi picks up the pace, and he’s merciless. It’s fast and hard, and it feels so good that he scratches Kil’s chest a bit too deep, drawing some blood.

He’s not afraid of going too far, he knows Killua can take it, he’s trained to withstand pain, so his tolerance is much higher than it could be expected from such a frail-looking body.

He moves his blood-covered fingers to Kil’s mouth, curiously, and Killua licks at them, moaning around them as he sucks them into his mouth.

“Ah, Illu-nii,” the boy moans, eyes rolled back.

It’s too much, and Illumi loses control of his body, thrusting his fingers so deep into Kil’s mouth that he gags while thrusting his cock as deep into him as he can, crying out as his completion approaches.

He’s coming a few seconds later, and he feels like he’s going to pass out from the strength of it. He’s still buried deep inside Kil, tainting his insides with his impure love.

When he comes back to his senses, he’s lying on top of his brother, breathing heavily, panting into the crook of his neck.

He realizes that there is something sticky on Killua’s stomach, meaning he must have come too, his dick untouched.

Or maybe he touched himself at some point, Illumi doesn’t seem to remember, it’s all blurry and unclear, he’s surprised how rough it ended up, he was going to be nice and sweet for his little Kil.

He rolls off him, laying down next to him, pulling him into a tight embrace.

„Kil, are you okay?” he asks, slightly concerned.

Killua is unresponsive. Illumi lifts his head to look into his eyes, and finds them empty, looking like he’s gone away from his body.

„Hey, Killu, look at me,” Illumi says and shakes the boy a bit. It doesn’t help, his eyes are still unfocused.

 _I’m a fucking monster,_ Illumi thinks, _I went too fucking far._

He tries to kiss the boy, but it’s terrifying, Kil’s not responding to any kind of touch.

 _Good job you fucking idiot,_ Illumi tells himself, _you broke the only person that you could ever love._

Illumi is desperate to make Kil better, but he can’t do anything at all.

„Do you hate me Killu? Do you want me to go away? I can leave and you never have to see me again,” he says, and he means it – if he hurt Kil so much that he would be hated by him, he’d rather never see him again, despite how much he loves him.

A tiny, shaking hand grips his arm. „Don’t go,” Killua whispers with the most broken voice Illumi ever heard and it breaks his heart, but he stays.

It’s still morning. They are supposed to train today.

Illumi is really concerned about that. Kil is in no shape to train, but they can’t skip the training. Just how would they explain it to the family?

 _Kil can’t train today because I fucked him so hard that he’s a mess and I’m not sure if he’s ever going to recover,_ Illumi imagines saying. He wonders how would the family members react.

He pushes the thoughts aside, focusing on the shaking body in his arms.

It takes about an hour for Kil’s breathing to slow, and for the shaking to recede.

„I want torture endurance training today,” Killua says with a calm voice.

If it wasn’t for his eyes, he would look like nothing happened. But the empty, broken look sends chills down Illumi’s spine.

„You can’t Kil, you need to rest,” Illumi tries to persuade him.

„We both know that I don’t have the right to skip a single day of training. I’ll be fine.”

They get some breakfast, thankfully avoiding all the family members.

Then they head to the cold dungeon, Killua placing his arms into the chains to be bound obediently.

Illumi binds his wrists and prepares a whip. He doesn’t want to do it, but the family has taught him well to do things that he doesn’t want to do.

He strikes, and a red mark appears on Killua’s chest. The boy doesn’t react to it in any way. Illumi strikes, again and again, the whip marks covering the deep scratches he did earlier.

Blood drips down onto the ground, and Kil’s legs give out. He’s hanging down from the chains that bind his wrists. His head is hanging low. He looks unconscious, but his eyes are open, and Illumi can’t bear to look into them.

After about an hour, Killua’s chest is a bleeding mess. The boy still doesn’t make a sound.

„This should be enough,” Illumi says and turn around to put the bloody whip away.

He’s interrupted by Kil’s voice, sounding disturbingly calm and even.

„More.”

Illumi is speechless for a few seconds. „It’s more than enough Killu, don’t push yourself like that,” he says.

„More. I can take it.”

Illumi feels like he probably shouldn’t, but continues anyway. If that’s what his younger brother wants, then he will give it to him.

The small mercy he offers is moving behind Killua to strike at his back, not wanting to mess his chest even more.

He’s glad that he doesn’t have to look at those eyes anymore.

When his face is hidden from Illumi, tears start streaming down Killua’s cheeks.

He hates himself. Hates his shameful body for liking such twisted things. He wants the memories of what happened in the morning to be gone, and at the same time, he wants every detail of them etched into his mind forever.

The pain is finally becoming blinding enough to empty his mind. It’s freeing, liberating. The tears he cries are of relief, not pain.

He _moans_.

He loves the sting of the whip, and every lash is bringing him closer to oblivion. It feels like there’s a black abyss threatening to swallow him, and he doesn’t want to resist.

It’s like the black emptiness of Illumi’s eyes.

Oh, how much he wants to see those eyes clouded by pleasure again.

But he still hates himself for wanting such shameful things.

He barely feels the pain anymore, lost in his own mind. Slowly, black nothingness envelops him. He welcomes it happily. His thoughts finally shut up when he loses consciousness.

Illumi caries his broken body back to their room. The expression on Killua’s face is pure bliss. He wonders whose fault is it that Kil ended up like this, enjoying his body being broken.

Is it Illumi’s fault? The family’s? He wonders as he gently tends to his wounds and bandages him.

He watches him, sprawled on his bed, chest rising with shallow breaths, blood seeping from under his bandages, and he wonders when did he become so twisted that at that moment he’s still thinking about fucking Kil‘s broken body.

„ _I’m sorry_ ,” he whispers to the unconscious boy.

Although he’s not sure what exactly he’s sorry for.

Killua’s eyelashes tremble, and his big blue eyes open wide. Illumi is the first thing he sees, sitting next to him on the bed.

„How are you feeling?” Illumi asks. A stupid question. As if Kil could be feeling any good after a harsh fucking and then a torture session.

„I’m fine Illu, just touch me please, I hate my body but it just needs more of you,” he admits with a shaking voice. He needs to be touched, he’s starved for attention. Gentle or hurting, he doesn’t care. He just needs to _feel something._

„Shh, I’ve got you Killu, don’t worry about it, everything is going to be fine,” Illumi comforts him and lays down next to him, pulling him into an embrace and a kiss. He’s gentle and soft, wanting to show Killua just how much he loves him.

„Don’t hate yourself for what you are, it’s not your fault,” Illumi whispers and kisses Killua on top of his head.

„But it’s so _wrong,”_ Killua sobs.

„I won’t let anyone else tell us what is right or wrong. If it feels _good_ and _right_ for both of us, then how can there be something wrong with it? I won’t let anyone take you away from me,” Illumi says and hugs Kil tighter. „You’re mine.”

It sounded a bit too possessive, but it helped Killua calm down and feel better about himself.

It makes sense that they can’t live by other people’s rules. After all, their lives can’t be compared to those of normal people. Their boundaries and desires lie somewhere completely different than those of regular humans.

Normal people have no idea what it feels like to be beaten and tortured and starved by their own family. They can go into the world and find friends and relationships.

There’s nothing like that for the two of them anywhere. They only have each other to lean on, only each other for comfort and closeness.

„I love you Illu,” Killua whispers.

„I love you too, more than anything,” Illumi tells him. And it’s the closest to being happy that they can get.

It’s almost evening and they’re still laying together in an embrace. None of them ever wants to let go.

„ _Illu, I want this moment to last forever,”_ Killua whispers so gently that Illumi’s heart aches.

 _I hope this is the right thing. I hope I am not going to ruin Kil with my twisted love,_ Illumi thinks. It’s too late to go back anyway.

They both desperately need the closeness they provide to each other. It’s almost suffocating, but they feel like they can’t live any other way anymore.

The world ceases to exist when it’s just the two of them.

They decide to skip dinner, staying in bed, letting their bodies speak for them because words can’t describe the depth of their feelings.

The door is locked so they can take their time without worrying to be caught.

Killua’s small hands shakily unbutton Illumi’s shirt, gliding across the uncovered skin.

It’s gentle and shy as if after all that they did he was still not sure if he was allowed to touch Illumi.

Illumi throws his shirt away, and carefully removes Kil’s long-sleeved t-shirt. The boy blushes from being exposed like that, looking as adorable as always. Illumi takes grabs his thin wrists and pins them above his head with his one strong hand.

“Killua, you’re driving me crazy,” he says with a husky voice that makes Kil feel all hot and horny.

Illumi licks the boy’s nipples, eliciting soft, choked moans from the boy. Killua is biting his lips in an effort to stay silent.

Grabbing Killua’s erected cock through his shorts, Illumi moves closer to kiss him deeply.

Hearing Killua moan into the kiss makes his dick throb and leak, hard and begging for attention.

“ _I want you so badly Killu,”_ he _moans_ and it’s the hottest thing Killua ever heard.

“ _I need you inside me again,”_ the boy says and it’s enough to make Illumi rip away his shorts.

He doesn’t bother with taking his pants off, he just unzips them and pulls out his big, painfully hard cock.

He quickly coats it with some lube, and seconds later he’s pressing against Kil’s tight, unprepared hole.

After forcing just the tip in, the boy makes a strangled sound, and his eyes are full of unshed tears, threatening to spill out.

“Is it too much? Should I prepare you?” Illumi says and pauses, even though the haze of lust and pleasure still holding back a bit, not wanting to hurt Killua.

Kil’s breathing is shallow and uneven, and it takes him a few moments to put together words to answer.

“ _More,”_ he moans. It hurts so much that he feels like he’s being split apart, but he loves it anyway.

Illumi lets go of the boy’s wrists and grabs his slim hips. His hands look so big placed on that small body under him.

He holds him firmly as he pushes deeper.

Killua becomes a mess, sobbing and shaking and moaning Illumi’s name.

Illumi wastes no time and begins to move in that unbearable tightness. Some part of him warns him that he should probably go slower or he’ll break the boy, but he’s long past caring.

Kil’s small hands scratch against his chest, leaving deep bleeding marks. The hands are trying to push him away, but way too weakly. It’s a half-hearted attempt.

He pauses to look at Kil’s face and sees the blue eyes crying, yet rolling back in ecstasy.

There is something deeply disturbing about it, yet it only seems to fuel Illumi’s fire, making him lose himself and move, fucking the boy fast and hard.

It only takes minutes until he’s feeling that he’s close to coming.

The hazy, pleasured look in Killua’s eyes is making him lose his mind.

Killua is sweaty, face wet with tears, his mouth open and drooling, too lost in pleasure to think or speak.

He loosened up around his brother’s cock, and the pain he felt in the beginning was completely replaced by pleasure.

It’s too much for Illumi. He takes the boy’s cock into his hand, pumping it hard and fast.

“Come for me Killu, come for your brother,” he commands him and it only takes a few seconds for Killua to come undone, splattering his chest and his brother’s hand with spurts of his come.

He tightens around Illumi’s cock when he comes, and it’s enough to send Illumi over the edge, biting down on Kil’s neck to muffle his moans as he comes hard inside the boy.

He collapses afterward, his weight suffocating his little brother under him.

After recovering from his post-orgasmic haze, he pulls out, rolls over, and lifts Killua into his arms, carrying him to his bathroom and putting him into his bath.

Killua has a fucked-out expression, but it’s not as bad as in the morning. His eyes look hazy, but not as empty as before.

Illumi holds him against his chest as they bathe in hot water together, cleaning the sweat and come from their bodies. He distantly wonders if they will ever be able to clean the filth that clings to their souls.

Later they fall asleep in each other’s arms.

“Never leave me,” Killua murmurs, half-asleep.

“I’d rather die than leave you,” says Illumi. And it's true. 

The next day is allocated for the poison resistance training.

Nobody else is present except Illumi and Killua, so the older one is hugging the boy in his hardly necessary restraints.

Killua is battling the poison bravely, silently. Their parents gave him a dose that was a bit too high in Illumi’s opinion. But it was still nowhere near lethal.

The boy’s mind is foggy, his body feels on fire, and he's slightly nauseated.

 _„Illumi,”_ he whispers almost inaudibly. His vision is swimming.

_„You’re like a poison for me, but sweet…”_

He’s delirious, but the words reach Illumi and hurt him in ways he didn’t believe were possible.

„Killua,” he whispers sweetly to the boy, leaning in to kiss him.

He tastes like poison but Illumi doesn’t mind, he’s immune to it anyway. He kisses the bitter taste away and feels something like compassion.

All of the tender feelings he was capable of were beaten and cut out of him. But with Killua, they seem to return and awake.

He doesn’t want the boy to suffer, but there’s nothing he can do but comfort him and help him get through it all.

“It’s alright, I am here for you, it will be over soon,” Illumi comforts him.

“I am fine,” Killua says, ever so strong and brave.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t let them do this to you,” Illumi said with sadness in his voice.

“I can take it. I want to be stronger,” Killua says and then quietly adds: “ _For you_.”

And it’s probably all wrong and twisted but Illumi finds it beautiful anyway.

He knows that he should take Killua and run away with him.

But the teachings of the family are etched too deep into his skin and soul. He doesn’t have it in him to just decide to run.

What if somewhere far away, there is a place where the family won’t be able to reach them, where they could be together without judgment and regrets?

He hopes Killua can decide it for them. Because if Killua asked him to, Illumi would follow him to the edge of the world. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Please let me know if you enjoyed this. I'm on twitter now, so you can say hi. https://twitter.com/abysswalking_a


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